By Rebecca Noble & Ella Roche
We expect to feel grief after a bereavement, grief goes hand in glove with loss. But, less talked about is when you start to grieve before someone has died.
Anticipatory grief is common when a loved one has received a terminal diagnosis, although it is often not talked about. Grief can begin from the moment of diagnosis, and it is just as painful, complicated, and overwhelming as grief after a bereavement. It can in some ways be more upsetting, as we mourn the loss of someone still alive and here with us.
Everyone grieves differently, and there is no right or wrong way to feel. Some people may not experience anticipatory grief, as they may not wish to acknowledge what is happening. This can be an effective coping mechanism for their impending loss.
On the other hand, some people will experience the full gamut of grief in advance. It can be extremely stressful, as we rarely know exactly when our loved one will die. You may constantly be worrying about what is about to happen, and this can have a huge impact on your physical and mental health.
It is very common to experience lots of different emotions, that can creep up when you aren’t expecting them, and they can be triggered by the smallest of things. You are not alone, and it is entirely natural and normal to feel this way.
Grieving before death doesn’t mean you will not grieve after death. However, it may provide opportunities for closure that people who lose loved ones suddenly never have. You have a chance to say goodbye, and look back on the wonderful times you had together. If you watched your loved one suffer, you may find comfort in the fact they are no longer in pain.
It can also be common to wish it would all be over, because you want your loved one to be free from pain or suffering, which can in turn lead to intense feelings of guilt, and even survivor's guilt. This too is entirely normal.
1. Ask for help
First and foremost, ask for help if you need it. It's perfectly okay not to be okay, and sharing your feelings can bring relief and support. If you know someone else in the same situation try talking to them, as they may be experiencing similar emotions.
Seek expert help if you need it. At MuchLoved we work in partnership with expert bereavement counsellors GriefChat, to offer free online counselling as often as you need. Just visit our website to find out more and connect with a counsellor.
2. Connect with your loved one
This time can be extremely stressful and difficult, but you may also have the opportunity to spend time with and connect with your loved one. It might be a chance to make some memories together, and even have any difficult conversations that you may have been putting off. Difficult as this time is, it can also afford you some opportunities.
3. Acknowledge your feelings
As hard as it may be to acknowledge, and cope with, the way you are feeling is normal. Some days may be harder than others, so give yourself the time and space to feel whatever emotions you need.
4. Take care of yourself
Grief can be all-consuming, and it can be all too easy to focus only on the needs of the person that's dying, but self-care is so important, especially when you're grieving. Try and find time for a little bit of relaxation, even if it's something as simple as reading a book or going for a short walk.
We've written a blog about self-care when you're bereaved, take a look at our 5 top tips for caring for yourself when you're grieving.
