By Ali Haines & Rebecca Noble
We first shared this article in December 2022, and it prompted lots of discussion online, and proved very popular. We wanted to share it again, with some new and updated content for 2023 - and hope that it again helps not only those bereaved but their friends and family supporting them at this difficult time of year.
Put yourself first
If you want to cover your house in decorations and go full-on Christmas, that’s fine. If you don’t want a hint of glitter or tinsel and want to ignore the season entirely whenever possible, that’s fine too. Christmas is a time for kindness, so try and remember to be kind to yourself, whatever that entails. Be honest with family and friends about what you feel comfortable with, and just let them know what you’d like to do so they can support you.
You may choose not to celebrate the day at all, sometimes taking yourself out of the situation is the best thing you can do. That said, if you do feel like being part of the day, and laughing and smiling too, that’s also fine - it’s okay to feel happy when you’re bereaved.
Go easy on yourself
As we approach Christmas, give yourself permission to look forward to it if you want to. Equally, allow yourself not to be ok if that’s how you feel. If you want to cover your house in decorations, that’s fine. If you don’t want a hint of glitter or tinsel and want to ignore the season entirely whenever possible, that’s fine too.
It’s important to allow time for yourself, whether that’s having a hot bath, a cup of tea with a friend, a walk, or reading a favourite book. It is perfectly ok to want to have some time to just be alone with your thoughts and emotions. This is not the time to put yourself last to please other people, let everyone else take care of you.
Be aware of your health and how you are feeling, especially if you are newly bereaved. You may feel more tired than usual and more prone to mood swings, as well as having physical symptoms such as insomnia, sickness, suppressed appetite and headaches, which are all common when we are bereaved.
All of this being said, if you do feel like celebrating, even in part, and laughing and smiling too, that’s also fine. It’s okay to feel happy when you’re bereaved.
Find some structure
Try and stick to some sort of routine over the festive season, if you can. It’s all too easy without our normal patterns to guide us to forget to look after ourselves. Whether it’s walking your dog at the same time each day, calling a relative each evening or reading another chapter of a book, some sort of structure and sense of routine can be helpful.
Allow yourself to grieve
You don’t have to hide your grief over the festive season and pretend that everything is okay. Reach out to someone and talk about the person you’ve lost, be that family or friends who can share memories of that person with you, or connect with a counsellor, like the GriefChat experts on our website. Sharing some of your feelings can help you cope, and make the season a little more bearable.
Remember your loved one and celebrate their life
As a family, you might like to decide together what you would like to do to remember your loved one. You could start some new traditions, or incorporate them into the traditions you already have, as a special way to remember them.
This could be visiting a special place, lighting a candle, or buying a new decoration for the tree. You might like to visit the grave or the place where the ashes were scattered and place a Christmas card there, or ask friends and family to write special messages on star-shaped cards and hang these up with ribbons. Or you could remember your loved one by eating their favourite meal, or listening to their favourite music. You can also of course light a candle on your MuchLoved tribute page, or add a new memory to their page.
Give to others
At a time when nothing feels normal, and you can easily feel overwhelmed, sometimes giving to others can be incredibly cathartic. For example, you could make a charitable donation in honour of your loved one, or you could buy a gift for a Toy Bank or shelter in their name. You could volunteer to serve festive meals on Christmas day, or deliver food parcels to families in need. Helping others can offer a break from your normal activities, and help you focus your attention on something positive over the festive season.
Christmas for many is a time for joy and family, but for someone bereaved it can be an incredibly painful time. If you know someone grieving at Christmas, this could be the perfect time to reach out to them. Send them a card, letting them know you’re there for them, or give them a call.
The best way to support someone grieving is to be guided by them, and let them choose how much to be involved. They may make plans but feel unable to go through with them, or feel overwhelmed and upset on the day. They are unable to plan how they will cope, so the best thing is to be steered by them and allow them to change their mind. Whatever happens, remember they are coping as best they can.
Give them the space to talk about their loved one and remember them, but don’t force the issue, and equally don’t gloss over it and not mention them. If you let them know you’re available to talk then they have the option to do so, and again you’re being guided by them.
Often asking someone grieving to make big decisions e.g. 'what would you like me to do', is simply too overwhelming for them to answer with something realistic. A smaller decision, maybe 'would you like me to drop off dinner today or tomorrow' is much easier for them to manage, so you could offer your support in smaller, but more definite ways. Helping take some of the daily practical decisions can be very helpful, especially at this time of year, when it's easy to feel overwhelmed.
Often having a special place to remember that person, be it a physical place to put a picture or light a candle, or an online tribute like a MuchLoved page, can be very helpful for someone grieving. With our busy lives and often busy homes, having this space can be overlooked, so if you can help your friend or family member create a space like this, or encourage them to make their own, it can be a great source of comfort. Don't forget you can set up a free MuchLoved tribute page at www.muchloved.com
While grief never fully goes away, there will be times when emotions are heightened and the sense of loss can feel greater. For many people, Christmas is one of these times, whether their special person died a few weeks, months or years ago. We hope these tips will be of some help, both to anyone grieving and to their friends and family who want to support them and help them through these difficult times.
